The Road So Far

[August 2013 - 4 Months Pregnant - Library and Garage - Sitting in Baby talking about babies]

“This sucks!” I said, throwing myself down in a chair. “Everywhere remotely driving distance is booked until I’m too far along.”

“We can try farther out and look at flights,” Jody suggested.

“No,” Dean put the gun down, “That demon knows your face, which means all the other demons know your face. Getting on a tin can 30,000 feet in the air would make you a sitting duck.”

Dean’s voice cracked as he finished speaking. I knew him well enough to know there was more to this objection than his fear of flying. My anxiety paused watching his flare up. I guess we both had similar instincts towards each other. It was his turn to freak out now, fair play.

“Hey,” I stood up and put my hand on his shoulder, “Let’s take a walk.”

He looked at Sam and Jody, who nodded, before getting to his feet. We walked out of the library and headed for the garage. Being near the Impala would put him at ease. There was a tense silence, broken only by the echoes of our footsteps against the cold stone walls.

“This isn’t just about flying,” I said once the others were out of earshot, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, I meant what I said.”

He shoved his hands in his pockets and kept his eyes on the floor. More echoes of footsteps. When we reached the garage, I asked the question that had been gnawing at me.

“Dean, did you want me to try and keep it? Is this some sort of alpha male, ‘gotta protect my legacy’ thing?”

“What? No!” He stopped and looked over at the Impala.

“Then what? It’s too late for the pill, you don’t want me flying out of state, you don’t want me to have it done in a back alley, and we can’t call Cas. It sure seems like you’ve eliminated most of the options I have right now.”

Dean still wouldn’t look me in the eye. He looked everywhere else except at me. I had one last card to play, luckily it was an Ace. I pulled him over to the Impala and opened the passenger side door, slipping into the front seat.

“Get in,” I ordered.

Reluctantly, he climbed into the driver’s seat and closed the door behind him. The Impala was the one place he felt safe enough to let his guard down. She was as good as armor or a ghost-proof room for letting emotional guards down. I sat in silence and waited. It was Dean’s turn to do the work.

“The truth is,” he said, finally, “I do want you to keep it but not for the reason you think.”

I reached out and took his hand in mine as he let out a long breath.

“It’s just that…I can’t risk losing you, Kate.”

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat and ignore the stinging tears that started to well up.

“I–I didn’t realize,” I said.

“I’ve lost too many women in my life already, I’m not going to lose you too. At least, in here, I can keep you safe in a way that’s not possible out there. The bunker’s the safest place in the world.”

He pointed in the general direction of the outside world.

“Dean, pregnancy isn’t inherently safe, especially without adequate medical care. Plus, we don’t know what this pregnancy is going to do to me, or what a birth would even look like,” I shifted closer to him on the bench seat, “Hell, Christian lore says demons are fallen angels, there’s a good chance I get a bunch of weird symptoms my body can’t handle.”

“No, I can’t accept that. So far you’ve been pretty normal and your morning sickness should ease soon.”

I looked into his eyes, his brow creased with worry and lack of sleep.

“How do you know that?” I asked.

“I might have read a few things while you were asleep.”

“You…read? That’s usually Sam’s job.”

“Yeah well, he was eyeball deep in demon lore so I pulled up some baby lore.”

I laughed, genuinely, for the first time in several days. Baby lore. Classic. He smiled too.

“What do you want to do, Kate?”

I sighed and pulled away, looking out the window at the rest of the garage.

“It would be a lie to say I never wanted kids, but this isn’t exactly the picket fence scenario I pictured.”

“Nobody knows better than me and Sam that this life ain’t for kids,” he rubbed the back of his neck, then snaked his fingers through mine, “I will support you 100% through whatever you want to do.”

I looked into those sweet green eyes. I knew he wanted to mean that.

“I meant what I said earlier too, Dean, about hunting.”

Dean blinked and cocked his head. I took a deep breath, contemplating the right way to phrase what I needed him to hear.

“I’m not a damsel who needs saving, am I?”

He smiled, “Nah, you’ve probably saved my ass more times than I’ve saved yours.”

“Exactly. When we’re on a hunt, we’re a team, we’re equal partners, yeah?”

“Kate, what are you getting at?”

“No,” I sniffled, “I’m saying that I don’t want to stop hunting if we keep this baby. Equal partners in hunting and parenting.”

He looked at me intently.

“I don’t know how,” he admitted after a long moment, “but I’m willing to try.”

I leaned my head against his shoulder and we sat in silence for a few minutes before I turned to look into the back seat.

“What are you looking at?”

“Trying to see if a car seat would even fit back there.”

“So, we’re doing this?” He asked.

Tears spilled down my cheeks.

“Yeah, I think we’re doing this.”

Dean pulled me into a hug, it was long and deep. The kind of hug that made the rest of the world melt away and problems seem manageable.

We came back into the great room holding hands. Jody smiled when she saw us and pulled the phone away from her ear.

“What’s that look?” she asked.

“I’m not gonna get an abortion,” I said, looking at Dean. “We’re gonna try and keep it.”

Jody put her phone down and came over to give me a hug.

“You sure?” she whispered.

“Yeah,” I whispered back, “I’m sure.”

“Ok.”

She moved on to hug Dean next, who took it awkwardly and pulled away the second she released him.

“Any luck Sam?” I asked as I moved towards my chair at the table again.

“Not yet, but there’s whole stacks in the library I haven’t had the chance to look through.”

“Now that we have a direction, we need a plan.” Jody said, coming back to her seat. “I’ve delivered babies in emergencies, but those were human births. If and when this baby does something non-human, I’ll be out of my depth more than I already am.”

“What are you saying, I need some sort of supernatural midwife?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“Did you have someone in mind?” Dean pulled his chair closer to mine.

“Rowena.”

“No.” Dean stood and immediately started pacing.

“Dean, she’s over two hundred years old, she’s seen just about everything.”

Jody had a point.

“Jody can cover the human side, medicines and supplies,” Sam said, “Rowena could cover the magic side.”

They both had a point.

“No way,” Dean crossed his arms stubbornly. “That witch doesn’t do anything out of the goodness of her heart. What favor is she gonna ask for in return? Oh AND–” he held up a finger and pointed it at no one in particular, “You all seem to have forgotten that she was Queen of Hell at one point too, she’s in league with the demons. Hell, she probably plays golf with the one who wore and discarded me like a cheap suit. Or the one that was after Kate!”

I hadn’t considered that.

“Ok, look,” I said, loud enough to be heard over any objections, “It’s not ideal, in fact, it’s pretty far from ideal but so is my current situation.”

Dean still looked resigned, so I continued.

“I already can’t see a regular doctor, can’t have a regular midwife help with the delivery. We can at least talk to Rowena and see what she knows. We don’t have to commit to giving her anything.”

Dean relaxed a little.

“Fine, but I’m gonna complain the whole time.”

I leaned my knee into his.

“I expected nothing less.”