The Road So Far

[September 2013 - 5 Months Pregnant - Kate’s Bedroom - Salt circles can’t keep bad dreams away]

A knock sounded at the door.

“Kate?” whispered a voice. “Kate, are you ok?”

I sat up with a start, the nightmare had returned. Hunted and stalked relentlessly by that demon. No matter how far I ran, or how well I hid, he always found me. My door opened and Dean poked his head in, the light from my reading lamp only fell on half of his face but I could still make out the concern in his eyes.

“No,” I said. “I don’t think I’ve been ok for a while. Stay with me a minute?”

Dean smiled softly and came into the room, only clad in black boxers and an undershirt. He’d forgotten his robe in his haste to check on me, he must have heard me shout. Due to an abundance of dirty laundry on the only chair in the room, Dean sat himself down at the foot of the bed as I pulled my legs in close under the covers.

“The nightmare again?” He asked.

“Yeah. Another variation.”

Tears welled up in my eyes, I tried to blink them away but each one insisted on slowly trickling down my cheek. Despite the dim light, Dean caught the trail of tears on my skin and moved to sit next to me, side by side. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I immediately leaned into him, the tears flowing freely now.

“It’s ok,” He whispered into my hair. “I’m here, I’ve got you.”

“No matter how hard I try, I just can’t shake him.” I sobbed. “No matter how much time goes by, I can still feel him, I can still feel his anger. I’m still afraid of him.”

Dean stroked my back gently, not trying to logic me out of my feelings, just sitting there with me in them. He was holding space for them instead of trying to “fix” them. Something changed him. It was me who broke the silence when, previously, he would have been chattering nonstop to brainstorm solutions I didn’t need.

“What happened?” I finally asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Since we decided to keep the baby, you’ve been acting funny, what happened?”

His body stiffened ever so subtly.

“Nothing. I don’t know what you mean.”

I shook my head.

“No, something happened, you’re different.”

He tried one more time to protest, looking at his hands, flipping them over.

“Nope, still the same old me.”

“You know how this pregnancy amped up my sense of smell and touch?”

“Yeah?”

“My other senses are amped up too,” I leaned my face closer to his, brushing his lips with mine.

“Is that so?”

“It is,” I gently planted a peck on his cheek, “which means I can tell you're bullshitting me right now.”

He laughed. I hadn’t heard him laugh since before the possession, it was really good to hear.

“This is hard for me to talk about,” he said, “because I don’t want to mess this up.”

“Mess what up? Being a dad?”

“Yeah, that, and us.”

I blinked.

“Us? You’re worried about us?”

He looked down at his hands again, fidgeting with a hangnail.

“I was on a roll getting through the baby lore. That led to toddler lore, then general parenting lore–anyway, I found this relationship book–why are you looking at me like that?”

“What did you think that book was going to be about?” I asked, knowing full well the topic because I put that book on the shelf ages ago.

“Hey, I knew it was gonna be some mushy girl stuff, but I figured ‘Kate’s a girl, she probably likes that stuff’ so I read it. I was right, it’s got some hippy crap in there, but I liked the part about the birds.”

I wrinkled my nose, “Birds?”

“Yeah, connection birds. If your partner says ‘hey, look at these birds’, even if you don’t care about birds, you go look to show your partner you care about them.”

He paused and I held my breath. He had the basic idea of the book, there would be time to get the rest.

“I want to be the partner you deserve, Kate,” Dean took one of my hands in his, “I swore to myself that if I ever got lucky enough for a second chance after Lisa and Ben, I wouldn’t take it for granted.”

I put a hand on his cheek and pulled his face to mine, giving him a long kiss. When our lips parted, I kept my forehead pressed against his.

“Dean Winchester, you are full of surprises.”

“Are you ready for one more?”

I pulled back and raised my eyebrows.

“You can top baby and relationship lore?”

He grinned sheepishly.

“Well, I was thinking maybe it’s about time we shared a bedroom. It’ll be easier for me to get up with the baby that way.”

It was a good thing I was already pregnant because that statement alone made me want to jump him and get pregnant again.

“Sounds like a plan,” I yawned, “for tomorrow.”

Dean placed a kiss on my forehead and stood up, heading for my door.

“Besides,” I said, “I’m not in a rush to invade your space, I know how much having your own room means to you.”

He stopped midway through the door and turned to look at me.

“I never told you that.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Yes, you did.”

He looked down the hall then came back inside, closing the door behind him.

“No, I only ever told Sam that.”

The atmosphere in the room had changed. There was a tension I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I sat up again.

“We were here, in my bed, and you told me that you never had your own room growing up and–”

I froze.

“Kate?”

“That was the night I got pregnant. The demon wearing you said those things.”

“Son of a bitch! He was just digging around in my head throwing out personal stuff? What were you doing when he brought it up?”

I blinked, trying to hold back tears that had just started stinging again.

“I don’t remember exactly, I think I asked you–him–why we always used my room.”

“And he just throws out that I need my own space?”

Dean’s voice was getting louder now, he crossed his arms over his chest.

“No, he joked about other girlfriends or something first.”

“This doesn’t make any sense, Kate,” he said, “why would he go rooting around in my memories?”

“Hey,” I cried, straightening up, “stop yelling at me, I’m not the bad guy here. I didn’t ask him to share your emotional baggage. I was just trying to be flirty–”

I froze, again, as another realization hit me.

“What?” Dean snapped, though I caught a wince when he did it. I suspect it came out sharper than he meant it to.

“I was playing with your—his—shirt. He left it on. You never leave it on.”

He cocked his head.

“So?”

“Dean, he didn’t want me to see the damaged tattoo. I think,” I swallowed hard, “I think the demon got me pregnant on purpose.”

Dean didn’t say anything. He just stared off into space as his chest started heaving. The green eyes that had been sweet just a few minutes ago were flat and far away. Without another word, he turned and left my room, headed for the garage. I sighed. So much for those connection birds.